Today’s a day that started with Tiff and I heading to the gym on our Friday morning.
Friday has always been “date day” but we’re mixing it up a little. Our Lover Palooza begins tonight at 6pm and runs through the entire weekend.
I normally do the business part of our coaching business (no clients) mostly on Wednesday and Saturdays but we’re getting a little crazy and changing things up (nothing like a little variety in life), so here I sit typing away in a new Starbucks.
God, I love Starbucks!
People quietly chatting nearby.
MacBooks everywhere you look. Nothing quite like Apple products to make your life brighter.
The sound of Ice cubes falling into a cup, espressos being made, “what are you doing this weekend,” coming out of the mouth of the sweetest human ever from behind the counter.
I sit here on a comfy bench seat, sipping on my grande iced americano, and feeling totally impressed with how fast the internet speed is. Nice!
Wait a second, I just realize I left my cell phone out in the car. Never a good idea.
The guy next to me looks trustworthy, I’m going to ask him to keep an eye on my computer for me while I grab my phone.
Ok, I’m back.
Nice people are so nice. It feels good to trust another person, even if you don’t know them.
Yesterday we got up, went to the gym, came home and each made our own breakfast (because we eat different things sometimes), recorded our podcast, washed our “stink” off and then went to work and coached the world’s best clients.
The podcast is about being a good listener, because being a good listener is the single greatest skill a person can have (right after being a good lover ?).
Have you ever had a time when you thought you knew what someone was going to say and jumped in to finish their sentence and you were 100% off base and felt like a fool? I have. Not my favorite thing.
I’ve been working on my listening skills and I would like to publicly thank the Gottman’s for writing the book, “The Man’s Guide to Women.”
This book has quite literally made my listening and therefore my relationship, even better. Our intimacy has jumped by at least half again, and that’s a big deal to me because I love our love and the more we can both feel that for-and-from each other, the better life feels all the way around.
Hence episode 082 was birthed and it was a quick and enjoyable delivery. 😉
We talked about good listening and good questions to ask to spark more connective conversation and we also talked about the things NOT to say when being a good listener.
Have you had the experience of sharing your frustration over something you’re going through in life and the person you’re talking to says, “I’m sure they didn’t mean it…” How did that make you feel? Like your feelings just don’t matter?
Listening is an art, and requires patience and lots of practice.
Now I’ve gotta run and finish editing our podcast and adding the music to it so you have it in your inbox bright and early Sunday morning.
Perception is everything. When you think you know what another person is saying, think again. Assuming makes an “ASS of U and ME.” Today we throw open the doors to the world of communication that many feel to be confusing, but we clear the confusion and help you see it for what it can be, a great way to deepen your relationships.
Tiff and I know from working with our clients, and our own experience, that everyone gets a little stuck now-and-then when it comes to doing the things that affect positive change in your intimate relationship.
Everyone finds themselves in old ruts and patterns where your relationship begins to feel a bit stale.
Intimate relationship is our specialty and I’m going to make it super simple for you so there’ll be no excuses. I’m going to share 7 simple things that you can do easily, that will instantly rejuvenate your relationship.
The only thing required of you is that you actually take the time to DO it and then repeat (again and again and again…you get the idea).
It’s the LITTLE things that make the BIGGEST difference.
7 LITTLE Things That Make the BIGGEST
Difference in Relationship
1. Listen & Look
How well do you listen to your SO (significant other) when they’re talking to you?
Do you stop what you’re doing and listen carefully to what they’re saying? (Answer this question honestly, please.)
Life gets busy and crazy and it’s very easy to disregard the person talking to you because you have a million other things going on in your head. But this is no excuse, everyone has shit they’re dealing with all the time. And your SO deserves your full attention when they’re talking to you.
And if it’s not a good time for you to give them your full attention, be clear about WHEN would be a better time, and be true to your word and show up when you say you will.
If you want intimacy, passion, great connection and awesome sex with your SO, you MUST listen to them when they’re talking to you, this is a basic foundational piece to your happy relationship puzzle.
When I say listen, I mean REALLY LISTEN. Don’t be trying to figure out what to say while they’re talking, just listen to them without interrupting or being distracted by a million other things. It sounds so simple, but why the hell are so many of us continually distracted when listening to another person, especially our PERSON.
Here’s your assignment: When your SO is talking to you, stop what you’re doing and pay attention, LOOK into their eyes, and really LISTEN. Looking into their eyes gives you clues about them and how they’re feeling and doing at that moment (this is very important information for you).
Oh, and please put your damn phone down, it can wait!
We live in a culture and country where touching each other is minimal. Go visit Spain or Italy or a myriad of other countries and notice how every person you meet is kissing you on the cheeks, hugging you and breathing your scent in, and here in America, you’re lucky if you get eye contact.
Let’s break this barrier down, baby.
When you walk past your person, you know the one that brings you to your knees in the most delicious way, reach out and touch them every time they’re within reach.
You don’t have to throw them to the floor and make love every time you see them (I mean you can if that’s what you both want), but what I’m saying is simply reach your arm out towards your lover and brush them on the shoulder or kiss them on the cheek as you walk past them.
It’s not hard and it feels good.
If you’re watching TV together at the end of a long day, sit close enough to touch so you can smell their perfume or cologne and reach out and caress their hand or hair.
Everyone needs to feel the touch of someone that they love and loves them back.
Touching your SO as you move past them says, “I love you and see you.”
It’s simple! And makes all the difference.
3. Live Your Passion
Are you doing something you love, every single day? Something that opens you up and gives you the opportunity to be more of Who You Really Are?
It could be yoga, tai chi, dancing, gardening, going for a run, listening to music that makes you feel alive, walking the dog, taking a hot bubble bath, meditating, writing, reading, etc… just do it.
If you will do something that you feel passionate about each and every day, you’ll be more of yourself and more open to be loved by your SO. You’ll feel more fulfilled and your heart will be more open to the world around you.
If you’re struggling finding something that lights your fire, ask the Universe or your Angels to help you find it or it to find you, and trust me, you will.
You living your passion is “tending to yourself” and that makes all the difference for a happier relationship.
4. Ask Questions
When you learn to really listen to another person (especially your SO), you’ll have part of the relationship figured out.
Another part is engaging with your person by asking them questions about what they’re sharing. Now if they’re sharing something that’s deeply interesting to you, you’ll have tons of questions pop up. Go right ahead and ask away, engage with your SO.
But when your SO is sharing something more personal and talking about their feelings or thoughts, this is where you ask THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION.
Ask the DF (dominant feminine thinker): “How does that make you feel?”
Ask the DM (dominant masculine thinker): “What do you think about that?”
When you ask this question, you’re sure to learn something new about your person that you didn’t know. And the more you know about each other, the easier it is to say and do things for them that make a huge difference for good.
For example because I pay attention and want to know Tiff’s likes and dislikes, I know that she does NOT like ice cream (except very occasionally she wants a soft serve twist cone…without the cone of course) so now when I want to bring a treat home for her I will bring caramels, pomegranate seeds (already shelled), or the old standby, a Reese’s Crunchy Big Peanut Butter Cup. All because I listen.
Listening pays off in HUGE ways.
Oh and don’t try to finish their sentences because you THINK you know what they’re going to say (I’ve been so guilty of this and can tell you I’m getting better and better at zipping my f—— lip). Rarely will you get it right so just be quiet and listen.
The DF wants to know that they captivate you and that they’re seen. The DM wants to know that they are appreciated for what they do.
And one last thing, don’t be the one doing ALL of the talking, ALL of the time, it gets really boring. It takes 2 to tango.
Asking questions and paying attention helps you love each other so much better.
Try it, you might like it…or LOVE it!
5. Kiss Like You Mean It!
I couldn’t EVER write an article about the simple things you can do to make a big difference in your relationship, without bringing up kissing, now can I?!!
Kissing is vital.
When is the last time you kissed your SO in a way that stopped them in their tracks and it was all they could do to keep from falling over? If it has been longer than 24 hours, repent, and go find them right now and kiss them like you mean it, damn it!
When you’re kissing, just kiss, without distractions getting in the way.
Don’t think about the bills that need paying, or where you’re going next, just kiss… long and deep and FEEL it all the way through your body right down to your toes.
Kissing costs nothing and the returns are HUGE.
Go kiss someone you’re in love with, today. And if the one you lives across the country, write them a note and tell them how kissing them makes you feel.
6. No Story Telling
No, I’m not talking about sharing funny stories about your day or anything like that. I’m talking about the stories we tell ourselves about what we THINK the other person means when they ask you a question, make a comment, or give you that certain look.And let me tell you I’m the perfect person to be writing about this. The stories I’ve told myself about what I think Tiff is saying underneath her words creates conflict between us faster than a speeding bullet.
Maybe your SO walks into the room you’re sitting in, watching Outlander (awesome series about past lives, Scottish men in kilts, and lots of sex) or another show you love, and they give you “the look,” you know “the look” and instantly you jump into defensive mode and get your feelings hurt because you feel like you’re being judged in some way, only to have your SO then explain that she/he had a question about something wholly unrelated to you doing some wrong.
When we assume we know what the other person is thinking and make up a story about it, we’ll always get into trouble, and have to deal with a new conflict.
Stop the story telling, plain and simple.
This is where asking questions is vital to your happiness.
7. Speak your mind
No I’m not talking about telling your SO every single thing they do that makes you want to jump up and down in anger, I’m talking about sharing the things you LOVE about your SO.Oftentimes we may think in our mind how sexy we find our SO, or how good they smell or how much we appreciate the fact that they scraped the snow off our car and warmed it up for us before leaving for work. Instead of keeping this thought in your mind only, open your sexy mouth, and let it out. Speak it to your ONE.
Kind words of love and appreciation go a very LONG way.
I know that for me (the DM) when Tiff says to me how much she appreciates the fact that I bring her treats, or that I have thrown a load of laundry in or getting the bills paid, it makes me want to be better and do more.
The DM loves to know that what they’re doing is making a positive difference in the life of their DF.
And the DF needs to know how sexy you find them. Does the way they smell just turn you on? And make you want to eat them for dinner?? Then tell them!
When you look at your DF and the clothes they’re wearing or the way they’ve done their makeup or hair revs your engine, open your mouth and tell them. The DF wants to know they slay you, that they’re captivating and have your attention.
It’s so simple.
Say the positive things you think about each other TO each other.
The little things make the biggest difference!
Thanks for reading to the end, I know you’re serious about being happy in your relationship, and that you’re willing to do whatever you can to make things better and better.
Sending you every good thing.
P.S. And if all of these acronyms confuse you, please take the quiz by clicking the yellow button below, it’s the perfect place to start understanding our blog and yourself better.