We have solutions (to relationship “ugly”)…
What would happen if you listened to this episode without listening to episode 71 first? Then you’ll be getting the answers to the test without knowing the questions and miss some damn funny back-and-forth (we were both a little drunk). Episode 071 is the prequel to this one. We can’t just talk about the relationship killers without giving you solutions, now can we?!
Being a relationship expert is something you’re interested in, isn’t it?
More info: tiffandjack.com
“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine….”
Did you love show-and-tell days in grade school? You’d bring one of your favorite things to school with you, all wrapped up in a bag so no one would see what it was. When you finally got to pull it out and share it with the whole class… oh the thrill of it!
Today is “Relationship Show & Tell” day.
Our relationship is freaking awesome! People want what we have. And with all the good, comes some bad. So it goes.
We’d be leading you astray if we didn’t allow you to peek into both sides of the equation–the smiles AND the swearing. ?
Each of us came up with 7 questions to ask the other, without knowing what they were. Our answers are completely off-the-cuff and unrehearsed. The reason we did this was to give you some powerful insight into the DIFFERENCES between the masculine and the feminine.
It take a balance between the masculine and the feminine in every love relationship to enjoy hot passion and intimacy. We know this can be a touchy subject. We are NOT putting anyone into a box, in fact we’re ripping the box to shreds so that you get a much clearer picture of what’s possible.
This episode starts out with a bang because earlier this morning before recording it, we got into a massive “retrograde” blow out (and it wasn’t pretty) and it came up as a topic of conversation LIVE on the air while recording this show.
Being life and relationship coaches we KNOW what goes on behind closed doors (including our own) and we make it very clear to you what “typical” is so you don’t feel like you’re the only one that has some serious blowouts. And we help you get a good grip on what the masculine/feminine dance looks like.
P.S. Grab our Law of Attraction Coaching-on-the-go Audio right here. It’s free and fantastic. ?
More info → tiffandjack.com
Tiff and I know from working with our clients, and our own experience, that everyone gets a little stuck now-and-then when it comes to doing the things that affect positive change in your intimate relationship.
Everyone finds themselves in old ruts and patterns where your relationship begins to feel a bit stale.
Intimate relationship is our specialty and I’m going to make it super simple for you so there’ll be no excuses. I’m going to share 7 simple things that you can do easily, that will instantly rejuvenate your relationship.
The only thing required of you is that you actually take the time to DO it and then repeat (again and again and again…you get the idea).
It’s the LITTLE things that make the BIGGEST difference.
7 LITTLE Things That Make the BIGGEST
Difference in Relationship
1. Listen & Look
How well do you listen to your SO (significant other) when they’re talking to you?
Do you stop what you’re doing and listen carefully to what they’re saying? (Answer this question honestly, please.)
Life gets busy and crazy and it’s very easy to disregard the person talking to you because you have a million other things going on in your head. But this is no excuse, everyone has shit they’re dealing with all the time. And your SO deserves your full attention when they’re talking to you.
And if it’s not a good time for you to give them your full attention, be clear about WHEN would be a better time, and be true to your word and show up when you say you will.
If you want intimacy, passion, great connection and awesome sex with your SO, you MUST listen to them when they’re talking to you, this is a basic foundational piece to your happy relationship puzzle.
When I say listen, I mean REALLY LISTEN. Don’t be trying to figure out what to say while they’re talking, just listen to them without interrupting or being distracted by a million other things. It sounds so simple, but why the hell are so many of us continually distracted when listening to another person, especially our PERSON.
Here’s your assignment: When your SO is talking to you, stop what you’re doing and pay attention, LOOK into their eyes, and really LISTEN. Looking into their eyes gives you clues about them and how they’re feeling and doing at that moment (this is very important information for you).
Oh, and please put your damn phone down, it can wait!
We live in a culture and country where touching each other is minimal. Go visit Spain or Italy or a myriad of other countries and notice how every person you meet is kissing you on the cheeks, hugging you and breathing your scent in, and here in America, you’re lucky if you get eye contact.
Let’s break this barrier down, baby.
When you walk past your person, you know the one that brings you to your knees in the most delicious way, reach out and touch them every time they’re within reach.
You don’t have to throw them to the floor and make love every time you see them (I mean you can if that’s what you both want), but what I’m saying is simply reach your arm out towards your lover and brush them on the shoulder or kiss them on the cheek as you walk past them.
It’s not hard and it feels good.
If you’re watching TV together at the end of a long day, sit close enough to touch so you can smell their perfume or cologne and reach out and caress their hand or hair.
Touch saves lives. Babies that go without touch can actually die because of it.
Everyone needs to feel the touch of someone that they love and loves them back.
Touching your SO as you move past them says, “I love you and see you.”
It’s simple! And makes all the difference.
3. Live Your Passion
Are you doing something you love, every single day? Something that opens you up and gives you the opportunity to be more of Who You Really Are?
It could be yoga, tai chi, dancing, gardening, going for a run, listening to music that makes you feel alive, walking the dog, taking a hot bubble bath, meditating, writing, reading, etc… just do it.
If you will do something that you feel passionate about each and every day, you’ll be more of yourself and more open to be loved by your SO. You’ll feel more fulfilled and your heart will be more open to the world around you.
If you’re struggling finding something that lights your fire, ask the Universe or your Angels to help you find it or it to find you, and trust me, you will.
You living your passion is “tending to yourself” and that makes all the difference for a happier relationship.
4. Ask Questions
When you learn to really listen to another person (especially your SO), you’ll have part of the relationship figured out.
Another part is engaging with your person by asking them questions about what they’re sharing. Now if they’re sharing something that’s deeply interesting to you, you’ll have tons of questions pop up. Go right ahead and ask away, engage with your SO.
But when your SO is sharing something more personal and talking about their feelings or thoughts, this is where you ask THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION.
- Ask the DF (dominant feminine thinker): “How does that make you feel?”
- Ask the DM (dominant masculine thinker): “What do you think about that?”
When you ask this question, you’re sure to learn something new about your person that you didn’t know. And the more you know about each other, the easier it is to say and do things for them that make a huge difference for good.
For example because I pay attention and want to know Tiff’s likes and dislikes, I know that she does NOT like ice cream (except very occasionally she wants a soft serve twist cone…without the cone of course) so now when I want to bring a treat home for her I will bring caramels, pomegranate seeds (already shelled), or the old standby, a Reese’s Crunchy Big Peanut Butter Cup. All because I listen.
Listening pays off in HUGE ways.
Oh and don’t try to finish their sentences because you THINK you know what they’re going to say (I’ve been so guilty of this and can tell you I’m getting better and better at zipping my f—— lip). Rarely will you get it right so just be quiet and listen.
The DF wants to know that they captivate you and that they’re seen. The DM wants to know that they are appreciated for what they do.
And one last thing, don’t be the one doing ALL of the talking, ALL of the time, it gets really boring. It takes 2 to tango.
Asking questions and paying attention helps you love each other so much better.
Try it, you might like it…or LOVE it!
5. Kiss Like You Mean It!
I couldn’t EVER write an article about the simple things you can do to make a big difference in your relationship, without bringing up kissing, now can I?!!
Kissing is vital.
When is the last time you kissed your SO in a way that stopped them in their tracks and it was all they could do to keep from falling over? If it has been longer than 24 hours, repent, and go find them right now and kiss them like you mean it, damn it!
When you’re kissing, just kiss, without distractions getting in the way.
Don’t think about the bills that need paying, or where you’re going next, just kiss… long and deep and FEEL it all the way through your body right down to your toes.
Kissing costs nothing and the returns are HUGE.
Go kiss someone you’re in love with, today. And if the one you lives across the country, write them a note and tell them how kissing them makes you feel.
6. No Story Telling
No, I’m not talking about sharing funny stories about your day or anything like that. I’m talking about the stories we tell ourselves about what we THINK the other person means when they ask you a question, make a comment, or give you that certain look.And let me tell you I’m the perfect person to be writing about this. The stories I’ve told myself about what I think Tiff is saying underneath her words creates conflict between us faster than a speeding bullet.
Maybe your SO walks into the room you’re sitting in, watching Outlander (awesome series about past lives, Scottish men in kilts, and lots of sex) or another show you love, and they give you “the look,” you know “the look” and instantly you jump into defensive mode and get your feelings hurt because you feel like you’re being judged in some way, only to have your SO then explain that she/he had a question about something wholly unrelated to you doing some wrong.
When we assume we know what the other person is thinking and make up a story about it, we’ll always get into trouble, and have to deal with a new conflict.
Stop the story telling, plain and simple.
This is where asking questions is vital to your happiness.
7. Speak your mind
No I’m not talking about telling your SO every single thing they do that makes you want to jump up and down in anger, I’m talking about sharing the things you LOVE about your SO.Oftentimes we may think in our mind how sexy we find our SO, or how good they smell or how much we appreciate the fact that they scraped the snow off our car and warmed it up for us before leaving for work. Instead of keeping this thought in your mind only, open your sexy mouth, and let it out. Speak it to your ONE.
Kind words of love and appreciation go a very LONG way.
I know that for me (the DM) when Tiff says to me how much she appreciates the fact that I bring her treats, or that I have thrown a load of laundry in or getting the bills paid, it makes me want to be better and do more.
The DM loves to know that what they’re doing is making a positive difference in the life of their DF.
And the DF needs to know how sexy you find them. Does the way they smell just turn you on? And make you want to eat them for dinner?? Then tell them!
When you look at your DF and the clothes they’re wearing or the way they’ve done their makeup or hair revs your engine, open your mouth and tell them. The DF wants to know they slay you, that they’re captivating and have your attention.
It’s so simple.
Say the positive things you think about each other TO each other.
The little things make the biggest difference!
Thanks for reading to the end, I know you’re serious about being happy in your relationship, and that you’re willing to do whatever you can to make things better and better.
Sending you every good thing.
P.S. And if all of these acronyms confuse you, please take the quiz by clicking the yellow button below, it’s the perfect place to start understanding our blog and yourself better.
I know that you and your DM have history.
Some of that history is filled with sunshine and rainbows and other parts are downright devastating.
I also know that you, the DF, are serious about all things love and intimacy.
Is today one of those days that has already left your heart feeling closed off from your DM?
What’s the answer? It’s frustrating for you to want love and connection so badly yet, feel like you are a million miles away from being on the same page with your DM.
Being a DM myself, and knowing that I’ve had many a thoughtless response to a sincere question from Tiff, which in turn, leaves her heart closed and aching makes me feel like a piece of dog do-do (not sure how the hell you spell “do-do”).
Just this week we were driving up to Silver Lake for a little getting back to nature one-on-one time, and I experienced one of those “thoughtless” responses.
One thing I always do when driving in the mountains is roll the windows down so I can feel the wind in my face and breathe in the delicious scents of pine and campfire all mixed together. I just love that.
This day was like all the others and as I rolled my window down, Tiff asked me if I could please roll it back up.
Guess what I did?
No, I didn’t say, “Sure, I’d be happy to.” (Boy oh boy do I wish I would’ve had the presence to say that.)
Instead, I reacted with a very quick and strong response of frustration (and yes, I was feeling like a damn victim), because I felt slighted if I couldn’t roll my window down.
Not proud of this.
We had a bit of back and forth, “How does this make you feel”, and “What do you think,” and then I got it!
She’d spent a couple of hours that day getting ready, applying the sexiest makeup you’ve ever seen and her hair….my god, her hair was perfect! She put Marilyn Monroe to shame.
Rolling my window down would’ve ruined everything she’d worked so deliciously to create, in part for my pleasure.
Me waiting til we got to the lake to enjoy the outdoors was a definite win/win.
It took a minute to get to that win/win place, but we did it (and yes, the window was only rolled down partway so as to leave her sexy hair intact).
Though it may seem like I’m writing about conflict, resolution, and sexy hair, there’s more to this article today.
I’m actually writing about the 3 words that change everything for the DM when they come from the DF.
Please let me explain.
You’re probably wondering how 3 words could possibly change everything.
Well, it’s true, they do.
When Tiff says these words I feel like I can do anything. I can slay the dragons, and accomplish every goal I’ve set. I know that I have what it takes to create a life that feels amazing. I feel confident and that there’s nothing I can’t do.
Now, for Tiff (the DF) to be able to say these words and mean them is the tricky part.
Are you curious, what these words could be?
“I trust you.”
Do you think that if we don’t ever have resolution to our conflicts, or that I don’t care about her feelings, or the fact that she’s spent a good chunk of time wanting to be gorgeous for me, and I mindlessly am lost in wanting to roll my window down without really seeing her and her beauty sitting next to me, that she’ll truly trust me, and be able to mean the words when she says them??
What does “trusting someone” even mean anyway?
Believe-you-me, in relationship “trust” is in a constant state of flux.
Trusting another person does NOT mean that they won’t ever make a mistake or say or do something stupid. It means that you trust that they have your best interest at heart, no matter what. That they’re willing to see their own part in every conflict, and to negotiate the tricky topics (like sex and money).
After all that, trusting or not trusting another person comes down to being a choice.
And you do indeed get to choose. (And it’s not just once, it’s over and over and over again.)
Do you choose to commit yourself to your relationship 100%, for better or worse? You don’t have to, but if you do, then you saying “I trust you,” to your DM makes a HUGE difference for good in their world.
If you’re finding resolution on the sticky topics most of the time, and feeling cherished often, trusting the DM will be a MUCH easier decision to make.
And if you want to give your DM the greatest gift there is, say and mean these 3 words…”I trust you.”
And BTW if you’re driving in the mountains and your DM rolls their windows down without even thinking twice and your hair is sticking to your lips because of the gloss, it’s time to ask them to read this article and work out a little win/win.
I believe rainbows and sunshine are possible most of the time…because that’s my experience. It just takes a bit of thoughtfulness and win/win negotiating and voila…it’s a pretty damn good life.
Oh, and please remember, your relationship is our business.
And all we want for you is pure happiness.
Jack (the DM)
P.S. If you still don’t know if you think more like a DM or DF, take the quiz by clicking the yellow button.
P.P.S. If there’s something here that’s helping you in some way, we’d love it if you share this article with your people. xoxo
Do you think more like a feminine or a masculine? TAKE THE QUIZ NOW
P.P.P.S. What did you think the 3 words were before you knew? Please share below.