I had a dream.
I’m a dreamer…always have been.
You may think I’m talking about being a “dreamer” in the sense that I think big and have high intentions set for myself, and that nothing seems impossible if I want it bad enough–you’d be right, however in this case, I’m talking of the dreaming that happened last night as I was sleeping.
Normally when my head hits the pillow I’m out like a light, and though I’m not sure if it’s a direct correlation or not, I have vivid dreams that feel like I’m really awake having an experience in another place and time (I’m still not convinced that I’m not a time traveler).
A few nights ago, I found myself being hunted in my dream. The kind of being hunted that you know you’re dead if you’re seen by the hunter.
I was in danger. I was doing everything in my power to not stand out, I needed to be completely invisible, to blend in, become bland, no color, no light, no brightness.
If I stood out I would be dead.
I woke up exhausted. Running, hiding and trying to make myself invisible nearly killed me.
I know that you’ve probably already analyzed and interpreted my dream.
It had everything to do with being seen, being REALLY SEEN. The kind of “seen” where everyone knows where you stand and what you think.
The put it all out there, no holding back…kind of SEEN.
Here I am! Jack, formerly known as Susan, born in a girl’s body but now a couple weeks post-op with only “pecs” and no more boobs, waiting for the world to bow to the man before them. 😉
This picture was taken 1 week post op at my doctor’s office. It was the first time in a week since my surgery that I could see the scars and get an idea of what my chest would now look like.
I was elated and felt like I might pass out all at the same time. It was surreal.
Tiffany standing faithfully by my side with a look of utter joy on her face reassured me that indeed I was wide awake and not dreaming.
I looked in the mirror and did a double-take, I saw ME, just me.
It was celebration time and so we decided we would go out for a delicious bowl of gazpacho soup and a slice of pie (oh how I love pie, not as much as I love Tiff, but it’s pretty big love).
As we headed into the restaurant, the first thing that met our ears, “Welcome ladies . . .” and the feeling of overwhelm settled in like an anchor around my neck, pulling me to the depths of an ocean grave.
The lump in both of our throats so huge that swallowing around it was near impossible.
Not only was it once that I was misgendered in 5 minutes, but 3 times. Ugh!
I’d like to say that I brushed it off and didn’t think about it again.
I did wait until I got home and then the upset exploded from me.
Invisible…am I? Will I EVER be seen for who I am?
I felt like shit. Tried taking a nap to sleep it off, didn’t help.
Talked it through with Tiff and felt a little better but still not the greatest.
Went to bed that night, and then the “being hunted” dream happened.
I got up, shared my dream with Tiff, and then went outside to meditate and sort this out.
What did I discover?
As I was in meditation I was reminded that I am the captain of my ship. I’m the one forging the path of my journey. I get to be ME and it’s up to me, and to let the world know who that is.
The movie, “Finding Joe,” popped into my mind and I realized once again that I’m the only one that can choose whether or not to be seen for who I am.
(If you haven’t seen this movie, watch it today because you too have your own journey of self discovery, and this movie will inspire you on your path! Click here to watch.)
Take risks. Follow your heart in spite of the logical storm screaming at you, “Blend in, don’t make waves, be invisible.”
I choose to play big…live out loud.
I’m giving this life all I’ve got.
No holding back.
I’m ALL IN baby!
I plan on getting to the end of my long wonder-filled life, used up, worn out, and a big ole silly grin wiped across my face.
And don’t you forget…I always get what I want! 😉
Living authentically has been scary on occasion for Jack and me, especially as public figures. We never know how we’ll be received. We never know who our haters may be.
We live authentic lives because it’s the only path to true happiness.
Happiness is my deepest desire, and I’ll do what ever it takes to be happy.
Living in what another person wants for me makes me feel dead and unhappy. I won’t do it. Ever.
The reason we share our journey is so that YOU might find hope in living your truth. We love our human family, and we’re here as a support to you that want to create loving and abundant lives.
We often talk about our joy and happiness and how blessed we are, which may have left you with the feeling or idea that we’re just lucky and things are always easy.
Life’s not always a cake walk for us.
Being authentic, also means getting real.
Here are some real facts for you…
A year ago Jack’s sister died, and it was devastating. This month also marks the death of his dad, when Jack was 11.
We were terrified to tell the family of Jack’s FTM transition in fear that they would feel like this would be like another death to them. And sure enough there has been talk of exactly that. Now there are just a few in his family that will talk to us. We’ve been wading through much rejection, and it isn’t easy, in fact it’s heartbreaking for Jack and hurts my feelings that I’m not openly accepted or recognized as an important part of Jack’s life.
I think we’re pretty freaking awesome and have a lot of love to give, but we won’t conform to what others think we should be or do, so often it means, we’re out. This SUCKS!
When Jack and I together made the decision for him to transition, I knew it was right, but had to walk in pure faith all the same.
The fears that came up in me were hellacious. My biggest fear would scream that Jack might not want me anymore. I wondered how the testosterone would make him act. What if it made him mean? I was so afraid.
It took me a while to let go of the idea of “Suzi.” But now, it’s just Jack and it all feels so right! Three months in, and I count this transition as the greatest gift of our lives.
There are days I do break down and cry because I feel so tired of the backlash and fear of other people in regards to how I choose to live my life.
“Can’t you see that I’m more happy than I have every been? Why can’t you see me?”
Sometimes the fears that come up with running a business, being the mother of 6 children, running a home, writing articles, making videos, constantly doing my inner work so that I can stay in alignment and teach, and supporting my husband through his changes, is so overwhelming I feel like I’ll be crushed by the illusions I buy into.
Sometimes my fears get the best of me.
If it weren’t for Jack, as my partner in it all, the one who helps me keep perspective, and for all the details he takes care of, I couldn’t do any of this. He truly makes my life run smooth.
He treats me like a queen.
People see how in love we are and think it’s always been like this.
NO ONE has a clue as to what we’ve had to release and what we’ve had to do to be where we are.
It’s true, we’re deeply in love and have an amazing life but only because we’re willing to do the hardest things you could possibly imagine.
We live a life of trusting God and the universe implicitly.
We were both in difficult marriages to other people for 20 years before we found each other.
When we did find each other, we had to let go of every single way we’d always done things, in order to be together.
Do you know what that was like? OMG! There are no words to describe it, a true fire walk of epic proportions.
The great thing about all of this… We now have the answer to the hard question, “How do you create Relationship Bliss?”
This is part of our authenticity. Make no mistake, our life isn’t just a cup of tea.
It takes effort to choose happiness and live it.
What are you willing to do to be happy?
Are you willing to walk into the unknown?
Can you get real with the people around you?
Can you handle a bit of rejection?
If you said yes to these questions, you will have happiness and bliss!
You can start being authentic here, ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH to tell us one thing that others might not know about you? C’mon, please share down below.
Remember you’re not alone in this life. We’re right here with you, wanting to make things easier.
Loves and kisses,