I had a dream.
I’m a dreamer…always have been.
You may think I’m talking about being a “dreamer” in the sense that I think big and have high intentions set for myself, and that nothing seems impossible if I want it bad enough–you’d be right, however in this case, I’m talking of the dreaming that happened last night as I was sleeping.
Normally when my head hits the pillow I’m out like a light, and though I’m not sure if it’s a direct correlation or not, I have vivid dreams that feel like I’m really awake having an experience in another place and time (I’m still not convinced that I’m not a time traveler).
A few nights ago, I found myself being hunted in my dream. The kind of being hunted that you know you’re dead if you’re seen by the hunter.
I was in danger. I was doing everything in my power to not stand out, I needed to be completely invisible, to blend in, become bland, no color, no light, no brightness.
If I stood out I would be dead.
I woke up exhausted. Running, hiding and trying to make myself invisible nearly killed me.
I know that you’ve probably already analyzed and interpreted my dream.
It had everything to do with being seen, being REALLY SEEN. The kind of “seen” where everyone knows where you stand and what you think.
The put it all out there, no holding back…kind of SEEN.
Here I am! Jack, formerly known as Susan, born in a girl’s body but now a couple weeks post-op with only “pecs” and no more boobs, waiting for the world to bow to the man before them. 😉
This picture was taken 1 week post op at my doctor’s office. It was the first time in a week since my surgery that I could see the scars and get an idea of what my chest would now look like.
I was elated and felt like I might pass out all at the same time. It was surreal.
Tiffany standing faithfully by my side with a look of utter joy on her face reassured me that indeed I was wide awake and not dreaming.
I looked in the mirror and did a double-take, I saw ME, just me.
It was celebration time and so we decided we would go out for a delicious bowl of gazpacho soup and a slice of pie (oh how I love pie, not as much as I love Tiff, but it’s pretty big love).
As we headed into the restaurant, the first thing that met our ears, “Welcome ladies . . .” and the feeling of overwhelm settled in like an anchor around my neck, pulling me to the depths of an ocean grave.
The lump in both of our throats so huge that swallowing around it was near impossible.
Not only was it once that I was misgendered in 5 minutes, but 3 times. Ugh!
I’d like to say that I brushed it off and didn’t think about it again.
I did wait until I got home and then the upset exploded from me.
Invisible…am I? Will I EVER be seen for who I am?
I felt like shit. Tried taking a nap to sleep it off, didn’t help.
Talked it through with Tiff and felt a little better but still not the greatest.
Went to bed that night, and then the “being hunted” dream happened.
I got up, shared my dream with Tiff, and then went outside to meditate and sort this out.
What did I discover?
As I was in meditation I was reminded that I am the captain of my ship. I’m the one forging the path of my journey. I get to be ME and it’s up to me, and to let the world know who that is.
The movie, “Finding Joe,” popped into my mind and I realized once again that I’m the only one that can choose whether or not to be seen for who I am.
(If you haven’t seen this movie, watch it today because you too have your own journey of self discovery, and this movie will inspire you on your path! Click here to watch.)
Take risks. Follow your heart in spite of the logical storm screaming at you, “Blend in, don’t make waves, be invisible.”
I choose to play big…live out loud.
I’m giving this life all I’ve got.
No holding back.
I’m ALL IN baby!
I plan on getting to the end of my long wonder-filled life, used up, worn out, and a big ole silly grin wiped across my face.
And don’t you forget…I always get what I want! 😉